Suicide

So today was a birthday party for S. When people started filing into Crystal's room for the party, conversation soon turned to the topic of a freshman who had apparently killed himself. Further inquiry revealed that he had hanged himself, and that apparently he was not doing any schoolwork, which suggests that he had much worse problems than his grades.

I didn't even know the guy and I feel bad for him. If he felt his problems were so great that there were no other way out... I've been in that mindset, and it's not a pretty place to be. I know there was some other way, that he didn't have to go and do this, but I don't even know the guy, so I can't say what.

If any of you reading ever decide to do something like this, you'd better talk to me first. I'm serious.

More people than I expected have referred to the kid who killed himself as a "coward" and refused to express any remorse whatsoever about his death. To some extent, I can understand their point of view. Suicide is considered the "easy out" - the way to make it all go away for good without having to actually solve any problems. And all of the pain from that moment on is left to the survivors.

However, I have two problems with this line of thought. The first is that people don't just wake up and decide, "My toast didn't cook just right today. How depressing - I think I'll kill myself." It takes a LOT to push someone to the point where they feel that the only escape is death. I feel bad for this guy, mostly because I know how it is to be pushed to that edge. I've stared into the abyss, and the only thing that has kept me from going over is realizing how much pain other people would be in from my death - at the worst times, when I felt everyone was against me, only the thought of what my death would do to my mother has stopped me from committing. I know the mindset of wanting to escape, and I know how hard it is to deal with the pain of life when you're at that breaking point. A lot of people downplay the pain from beforehand that the committer had endured, and nobody knows just how much pain that was.

Which leads to my second point: people are too damn self-centered. These people don't think of how much this kid had already suffered. They don't know his point of view and they don't even try to understand it. They can't compare the pain of the one who committed suicide to the pain of those who are left behind. All they see is the present, the here and now and me and mine. All they see is "If I knew this person, it would hurt me right now, and how dare they put me through that?" It takes so much to push a person to commit suicide, but nobody thinks of the before - just the after.

Maybe I'm being a bit self-centered too. Maybe the only reason it bothers me so much is because I used to think of committing suicide myself. Maybe it bothers me to think that if I'd gone through with it, I would be a coward - and I truly believe that suicide is a cowardly act. However, I will never criticize someone who's done it - I don't think I have a right to criticize, after seeing what they've been through. I know how tempting the easy way out can be, and I know that it takes a hell of a lot of strength and/or selflessness not to take it. And while I have that inner strength and devotion not to hurt those that care about me, I know that not all people do. So many people are self-centered as it is, that it doesn't surprise me at all when a person committing suicide doesn't think about the other people it affects. As for inner strength - a lot of my own has been gathered only recently, and I still don't feel that I have enough. I definitely have no right to criticize someone who doesn't have that strength.

Once more, I'll repeat - anyone who wants to kill themselves, come to me first. I won't try and talk you out of doing it - I'll just see if you're making an informed decision. It may be the last one you make, and you may as well check to see if it's the right one.

Anonymous - December 2003